“Let no unwholesome word proceed from your mouth, but only such a word as is good for edification according to the need of the moment, so that it will give grace to those who hear.” (Ephesians 4:29)
Let’s be real honest. Words are powerful. You and I know this. We’ve all been lifted off of the ground because of beautiful words that someone has said to us. We also been wounded deeply. Words do this. Words contain this power. “Death and life are in the power of the tongue.” (Proverbs 18:21) Yet in spite of our knowledge of the power of words, we still so often treat them as if they were innocent little toys for us to play with. And then when their power harms another person, we are surprised. This happens much more than any of us like.
God understands the power of words. He invented them. He uses them to communicate with us. He wants us to use them as well, both to communicate with Him and to communicate with each other. Understanding the nature of words, however, He has established guidelines for how those in His family use them with each other. Here it is, House Rule #4 for the family of God . . .
Choose what you say carefully in order to maximize the potential for edification. Speak only words which will build up the others who hear them. Never speak words that tear down.
The passages quoted above from Ephesians 4 lays this out clearly. Look at these phrases:
- “no unwholesome words”
- “only words that are good for edification”
- “according to the need of the moment”
- the goal = “give grace to all who hear”
Now that’s a high standard. Look at how absolute it is. How many unwholesome words may we use? None. Period. “Only” words that edify. Only words that contribute to the need of the moment. Only words that give grace to “all”.
Isn’t that unrealistic? I mean, seriously, how many of us have that kind of control over our mouths? But stop and think for a moment. Isn’t that exactly what we all really want? Don’t we want others to speak love to us? To build us up? To say the things that we most need to hear? To speak truth to us, even if it hurts? Of course it is. This is the golden rule at its very best — speak to others the way that you’d like for them to speak to you.
The implications of this instruction are many, and I encourage you to meditate on them. But for the sake of brevity, let me tell you where this hits me. For the most part, I moved away from harsh words, angry words, foul words, and intentionally hurtful words years ago. If you haven’t, then you should. Such words do not belong in the household of God. But this passage isn’t just saying what not to do. It is saying what to do. It is saying to maximize your words. That is where it hits me. I “under” say a lot of things. For example – sarcasm. I like to express affection to people. But somehow I learned a long time ago that it is safer and funnier to express your affection through sarcasm. Rather than being direct (and most edifying) and saying, “Wow, I’m excited to see you. I’m glad you are here. Being with you makes me happy.” I’ll say, “Oh no, if I knew you were gonna be here, I’d have gone somewhere else.” The person knows what I mean (hopefully) because of my nonverbal communication that goes with it, but it cheats everyone who hears. Love is best expressed in clear, honest, direct words. Anything less than that cloaks it and reduces its impact.
I’ve got to have a different goal. And what is that? To give grace to all who hear. To edify, build up, encourage, strengthen those involved in or overhearing the conversation. And not just partially. As much as I possibly can. As much as I enjoy it, and have decades of practice with it, sarcasm does not do that. It is at best a cheap imitation. At worst, it can cause misunderstanding and hurt. Sarcasm fails our Father’s house rules. So with His help (it’s going to take a lot of grace), I will remove sarcasm from my vocabulary — at least when it comes to speaking to people.
Like little sheep, we are so quick to imitate the world in our communication. We parrot the latest “cool” and “funny” phrases and styles from secular entertainment. We want to be cool, with it, noticed by others. We want to make people laugh. Let’s be honest – so much of the time what we do with words is about us and our fun and our attempt to control our “image”. God has a very different standard for His family. He says, “stop being conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind.” (Romans 12:2) He also says “lay aside that old self . . . and be renewed in the spirit of your mind, and put on the new self which in the likeness of God has been created in righteousness and holiness of the truth.” (Ephesians 4:22-24) And that definitely includes how we speak to one another.
So I ask you, how does your speech measure up to this standard that God has established for His family? Are you prone to “unwholesome” words? Is your goal to build up all who hear? Do you carefully choose your words to maximize their affect, or do you just blurt out whatever comes to your mind? Is your speech all about you, or all about others. What needs to change in your verbal habits? This is one area in which we can all grow. And if we do, I’m convinced that the edifying affect of our relationships with one another will increase exponentially.
